Chapter 2: The Process of Grieving

In recognition of National Crime Victims Rights Week, Appleseed is sharing a series of blog posts on grief, trauma, loss, and healing by our Community Navigator, Callie Greer. Callie is a powerful voice for survivors in Alabama. Based on her own experiences losing two children, working through grief, finding forgiveness, and passing on her life’s lessons to others, Callie has been a catalyst for healing. Her wisdom needs to be captured and shared. 

Here is Chapter 2

By Callie Greer 

Hey y’all, I’m back. This blog will start my attempt to share some of the things I’ve learned and lived throughout my grieving process. If you’re here, I want to take advantage of your precious time and pull on you a little more because you have a dog in this fight. You want to be a part of what can happen when we have real conversations about serious, delicate, personal harm, because when “Survivors Speak, Change Happens,” as our partner, Crime Survivors Speak (CSS) often says. I’ll share more about them and our partnership as we move along.

Before I go deeper, I want to offer a trigger warning– some of what I share may directly affect people and trigger emotions, so proceed with caution. 

Grief. 

One definition I ran across is, “The natural emotional response resulting from a significant loss, especially the death of a loved one.” Another definition I ran across, and the one I like most, is, “Grief is a sign that you love deeply.”

Callie Greer speaks at a rally at the Alabama Capitol organized by Crime Survivors Speak Alabama.

We can all agree on that, right? Can we also agree that we all grieve differently? I know this statement has been said millions of times, and that’s what is troubling me. It’s become just that– a statement. But grief, if not dealt with properly, will turn into something unrecognizable. Grief is painful, and when pain goes unattended, folks will start to act out because we need relief from our pain. I truly believe that much of the violence we are seeing– living– is “pain violence; not gang violence”. Until we deal with the root causes, we will see this continue to escalate. 

When folks live in a state of trauma, they become a traumatizer. They wreak havoc, wanting others to feel what they feel. Sort of like when we lose a loved one; we want the entire family of the perpetrator to hurt and feel what we’re feeling– it doesn’t matter if they were a part of the harm or not! We just want someone else to feel it. I believe that this is what we are witnessing right now. Unattended harm, pain, and trauma has turned into unrecognizable action that is almost uncontrollable. This is where I see justice needs to be heavily applied, not only in words but direct action, and that justice must be restorative. Because when you lose something or someone, there must be some form of restoration. Now that looks different for everyone. I’m not insinuating that Mercury or Venus, the two children I lost, can somehow be restored to us, but I do have a choice in how they are remembered, what legacy we continue about them. This is restoring for me, because my reality is, “They will never return to me, but thank God, one day I will go where they are.” 

The author, Callie Greer

Grief, trauma, violence, lack of humanity, lack of justice, devaluing, lack of resources– all of these are “roots” that have grown into one big, ugly tree with branches and limbs of violence. Branches that look like unforgiveness, harmful cycles, poverty, prison overcrowding, corruption, lies, deception, greed, eye for an eye mentalities, hatred, and many other outcomes that don’t serve or heal anyone. My point is this: we can keep feeding this tree, or we can start planting other seeds that are the opposite of this tree– seeds of forgiveness, truth-telling, equal justice, real, all-inclusive conversations, patience, longevity, support and attainable resources. 

Yeah, this is going to be a lot of heavy lifting. If you’re good where you are then I ask you to stay there, because it’s time for what I call “the chasers”. If you’re not chasing after the latter things I wrote, unfortunately, you’re part of the problem. If your mindset is, “We’re good over here”, then this is not for you. If you see the struggle and your response is, “They shouldn’t have been doing that”, and not, “Why are they doing that?”, then yes, by all means, stay over there. 

This crop calls for real ole school farmers, ones that used what they had to get what they needed. Folks who heard about so-and-so in the community who lost their job, so when they cooked they made enough and sent down a pot of peas and a pan of cornbread. The people whose relationship was good with folks in the community, so when they saw a neighbor’s child doing something they could go talk to them and it was appreciated because the neighbor knew there was real care there, and it showed way before they came by. I could go on, but some of y’all will start calling me old. I remember when all of this was true, and yes, those were my “good old days”. I shudder to think that my children and grandchildren will someday look back and say these were their “good old days”. 

So as I close this blog and ready myself for the next one, I hear Stevie Wonder in my head singing, “Love’s in need of Love today”. If love is applied in every action, we’ll always be victorious. For love covers a multitude of sins and can heal all hurts in time. Let’s sit with that.

Until the next blog,

Mama Callie